Filming location for spaghetti westerns in Almería, Spain

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© 1987-2016
Scott Larson





Building façade in Cannes, France

Ideas that have struck me…

The city of Los Angeles and TV addicts everywhere heaved a collective sigh of relief this past week when a strike by the Writers Guild of America was averted. For me personally, however, it was a bitter disappointment.

You see, in a previous life I actually once participated in the organizing of a union bargaining unit at a weekly newspaper. I led a ragtag group of employees in endless negotiations with an evil, rich employer. But that was all long ago. Now I am old and cynical, and I wouldn’t think twice about crossing a picket line if I could make a quick buck in the process.

That’s why I was so disappointed when the writers ended up settling. I was counting on a long, drawn-out strike, so that I could hire myself out as a scab and start selling the great plot ideas I have been cooking up in my head for years for movies and television. Since it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anytime soon, I thought that I might as well share some of my plot outlines with my loyal readers.

Movies

  • Genre: Teen slasher movie. Working title: I Don’t Care What You Did Last Summer. Story: A maniac is killing female students at a suburban high school in a wide array of imaginative and gory ways. The “twist” is that the nice, virginals girls are the ones that are being hacked, and it is the school slut who evades the killer, does him in, and saves the day. Note: See if Freddy Prinze Jr. and Jennifer Love Hewitt are available.

  • Genre: James Bond movie. Working title: You Only Die Once. Story: With things quiet on the world front, 007 is assigned to settle a dispute in northern England between fox hunters and animal rights activists. In the course of his mission, he beds one woman from each of the opposing sides. Things get out of hand when the fox hunters bring in an unruly mob of French farmers to attack the animal lovers, raising the stakes in the confrontation, as all the local McDonald’s are threatened. Note: See if that Shannyn Sossamon from A Knight’s Tale is available to play Bond’s “vixen.”

  • Genre: Star Trek movie. Working title: Where No Man Has Gone. Story: The Enterprise is transported by a mysterious force to a sparsely populated region of a distant quadrant, several lifetimes away from earth via warp drive. As months pass, things turn grim, and the crew is forced to resort to cannibalism. Yes, that’s right, when their critical systems start breaking down, they must dismantle the android Data and use his components as replacements in the Enterprise’s computer system. But then the crew starts noticing strange things happening, like the computer refusing to carry out orders as it says in mellifluous tones, “I’m sorry. I can’t do that, Jean-Luc.” Note: Make sure that William Shatner doesn’t get a hold of my phone number.

  • Genre: Romantic comedy. Working title: Honey, It’s Me. Story: A widower, still coming to terms with the loss of his incredibly perfect wife finds that he is being stalked by a strange woman. She tells him that she is actually his dead wife miraculously reincarnated in a different body. But he is turned off because he liked her old body much better. They work through the issues with hilarious but heartwarming results. Note: My dream cast for this one would include Tom Selleck and Rosie O’Donnell.

    Television

  • ER: In a possible pilot for a spin-off series, a new set of characters are introduced who work for a collection agency. Their job is to try to collect from many of the indigent patients that the ER was required by law to treat even though they had no means to pay. This concept provides for a way to use many of the regulars and guest stars from ER in cross-over appearances and provides poignancy as we watch these dedicated professionals go about their daily task with no thanks from anyone.

  • Frasier:. His radio showed canceled and his brother’s psychiatry practice on the skids, Frasier and his extended family decide to pull up stakes and move out of Seattle. They buy a neglected farm with an old fixer-upper of a house in picturesque Skagit Valley, where they plan to grow tulips. Hilarity ensues as Frasier and Niles try to adapt to the ways of farm living while their dad watches on, his eyes constantly rolling.

  • Friends: In the big season-ender, Monica and Chandler’s wedding turns into a disaster when, instead of saying “I do” Chandler breaks down and declares that he is gay and it is Joey whom he really loves. The next season follows the new couple as they set up housekeeping in a Greenwich Village love nest.

    Note: My dream of a Hollywood career isn’t dead yet! The actors may yet go on strike! Time to get some new audition photos taken…

    -S.L., 10 May 2001


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