Portents
With the passing of another year, it is my duty to provide my loyal readers with a look ahead to the
coming year. Here is a rundown of the movies (some big-screen, but mostly for television) that you can
expect to be seeing.
The Enron Story: Steve Martin finally makes his definitive dramatic acting crossover when he
plays the role of Kenneth Lay. Unfortunately, the movie ultimately tanks at the box office because, by
the time the movie comes out, nobody remembers who or what Enron was.
Friends: The Movie: The cast of the immensely popular TV series cash in by making this
big-screen spin-off. In a major departure from the TV series, Chandler, Ross and Joey pilot a
spaceship to the edge of the galaxy to do battle with alien invaders. Meanwhile back on earth, Rachel,
Monica and Phoebe all get new jobs as models for Victoria’s Secret. This movie breaks all box-office
records.
The Rosie O’Donnell Story: The former talk show host plays herself in a highly rated
biopic. Top-tier Hollywood female actors vie for the chance to play her main squeeze. Jennifer Aniston
finally wins the coveted role.
Ben and J-Lo: A touching love story in the vein of When Harry Met Sally, this movie
features the famous actors playing themselves and recreating their own real-life romance and marriage.
Recently divorced Jennifer Lopez attends the premiere on the arm of Brad Pitt. Ben Affleck arrives
with Jennifer Aniston as his date.
The Michael Jackson Story: Former child TV star Jaleel White makes a stunning comeback playing
the King of Pop in this much-anticipated biopic. The baby dangling over the balcony is a
computer-generated image.
Justin and Britney: Moviegoers flock to the celluloid retelling of one of the greatest love
stories of all time. Reese Witherspoon splays Britney Spears, and in a dramatic movie comeback
Macauley Culkin plays Justin Timberlake. There is not a dry eye in the house.
CSI: The Movie: An all-time box office record is set by this flick, which features actual dead
bodies going under the knife of Hollywood autopsy specialists. The public simply cannot get enough of
this sort of family entertainment.
Eddie and Valerie: Eddie Van Halen and Valerie Bertinelli attempt to play themselves in this
made-for-TV movie but cannot complete the production schedule due to their rehab schedules. The roles
are taken over by Michael Douglas and Sandra Bullock. Needless to say, the movie tanks at the box
office.
Becks and Posh: The Movie: A riveting thriller, this movie stars Brad Pitt and Sandra Bullock
as the famous English soccer player and his former Spice Girl spouse. Audiences are held in rapt
attention as they attempt to save themselves and their children from an insidious kidnap plot. Most of
the money is earned, however, in sales of the soundtrack, which feature the theme “Becks and Posh Go
Shopping” by the Pet Shop Boys.
-S.L., 2 January 2003
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