2001: a spaced odyssey
Well, it’s finally 2001, and not a moment too soon.
I’m sure that I speak for all of us when I say that the sooner 2000 was over the better. Of course,
the whole tone of the year was dominated by the very strange events in Florida. Who can forget the
weeks of endless saturation news coverage, the byzantine court battles, the armies of lawyers marching
into the state, the heated rhetoric on both sides, politicians of every stripe weighing in invariably
in their own self-interest, and the entire sense of the rule of law compromised for political lust?
Fortunately, the entire matter was resolved fairly and expeditiously by an institution that all
Americans have grown to trust and respect for many generations—men heavily armed with guns. But
enough about Elián González.
It’s time to put 2000 behind us and look ahead. To this end I have assembled the finest set of
predictions for 2001 available. Mind you, this is not a bunch of blathering that I just concocted
whole cloth out of my own head. This took literally minutes of sheer research, perusing some of the
finest tabloid publications available in the finest neighborhoods of inner cities everywhere. So,
without further ado, here is what the entertainment world has to look forward to in the coming twelve
months:
January: The public is stunned when Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt announce that they have
filed for divorce.
February: Neve Campbell insists that Scream IV is absolutely the final movie that
she will do in the teen slasher series. Elizabeth Taylor marries her longtime gardener.
March: The world is amazed when Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas announce that they
are parting amicably.
April: There is widespread consternation when the surprise winner of the Academy Award for
Best Motion Picture turns out to be Battlefield
Earth. Senator Joe Lieberman calls for a boycott of all Hollywood movies. Harvard University
president Al Gore demands a recount.
May: Fans are bewildered when Madonna and Guy Ritchie inform the world press that their
marriage is effectively over. Meanwhile, the Palme d’Or at Cannes is awarded to an young, unknown
Romanian director who submitted a blank piece of celluloid as “an artistic statement.”
June: The first Harry Potter movie is rushed into release. Despite high hopes on the part
of the studio, its opening weekend take is a distant second behind the new Austin Powers
movie.
July: People everywhere are shocked when reliable news reports spread the word that Jennier
Aniston has wed Michael Douglas in a quickie wedding ceremony on a small Caribbean island. Young,
nubile actresses queue eagerly, as former president Bill Clinton begins casting calls for his movie
biography.
August: The box office sleeper of the summer is the unexpected mega-hit Battlefield
Earth II. Bruce Willis joins John Travolta in the series, which now promises to become a franchise
for many years to come.
September: Everyone is taken aback when it is learned that Catherine Zeta-Jones has wed Guy
Ritchie in a remote Buddhist temple high in the Himalayas. Elizabeth Taylor is in divorce
court.
October: Neve Campbell insists that Scream V is absolutely the final movie that she
will do in the teen slasher series. A pirated script for the new Star Wars movie appears on the
Internet and reveals that Yoda is actually Luke’s father.
November: The masses are agog over the news that Madonna is carrying Brad Pitt’s baby and
that the couple are planning to wed next year aboard a hot air balloon floating over the North
Pole.
December: Ratings for cable news channels sky-rocket as people are glued to their
television sets, watching the unfolding drama of a manned space vehicle taken over by a malfunctioning
onboard computer. The artificially intelligent system (known as HAL) takes the craft ever deeper into
space. Ratings soon drop, however, when the images coming back to earth become more obtuse and
perplexing.
-S.L., 4 January 2001
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